I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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