We won't sleep together?
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
