Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.