First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
