I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
