what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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