my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
