all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
