I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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