me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
