Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
