If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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