did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
