this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
