I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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