The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
