She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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