Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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