Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
