watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize
