go do what you do best...puke behind churches
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
