my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Randomize
