This is not my ceiling
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
