Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
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When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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