Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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