it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
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Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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