Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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