i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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