My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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