you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
