I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
