Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
