Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
