I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
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I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
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painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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