The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
