new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
