Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
