If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
