He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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