GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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