I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
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