I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
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