Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
