There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
