It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
