i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
