thus making me awesome and them whores
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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