She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You're a waste of cheezeits
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
