im gay
i know
yea but for you.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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