and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
