Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
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You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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