I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
