he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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