Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
