remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Green mimosas i think yes
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
